BAR- AND BAT-MITZVAH AT THE LIBERAL SYNAGOGUE ELSTREE
This page (reproduced from our booklet) has been prepared to explain about Bar- and Bat-Mitzvah at TLSE, and to try to answer some of the questions you may have, and perhaps to raise questions you have not yet considered. We understand that the celebration is very important to those families who decide to mark it, and it also becomes an important part of our synagogue year and history. It may be the first time you have been involved with such an event, so please remember that we have many years of experience with various different sorts of children and families, and feel free to ask us for guidance and advice. Let us all enjoy the celebrations together!
Introduction
Leading
up to B'Mitzvah
The
B'Mitvah Year
Arrangements
The
Run-Through
The
Service
Remembering
the Occasion
The
Party
After
it's over
Who
to Contact
Q: What exactly is Bar- or Bat-Mitzvah?
A: At the age of 13 a Jewish boy becomes 'Bar-Mitzvah' (son of the commandments) - in this respect the term 'Bar-Mitzvah' is equivalent to 'teenage'. Traditionally, since a girl generally matures a little earlier, it was considered that a girl became a Bat-Mitzvah (and starts to mature into a woman) at 12, although there was no great ceremony to mark this stage, and certainly no opportunity to read from the Torah and lead the service. However, within Liberal Judaism, we treat boys and girls the same, and so we celebrate both Bar- and Bat-Mitzvah (daughter of the commandments) at 13. The terms Bar-Mitzvah and Bat-Mitzvah are shortened within this booklet to B'Mitzvah.
Once they have passed this milestone, moving out of childhood and into adolescence, boys (and for us girls as well) can take a full role in the service, and can be called up to read from the Torah (scroll). This is an occasion for some celebration, both for the family and for the community.
It is not essential to mark this transition into adolescence by participating in a service but many families choose to do so. The service usually takes place shortly after the child's 13th (Hebrew) birthday but it can take place at a later date if that is more appropriate.
Q: But Bar- and Bat-Mitzvah doesn't mark the end of Jewish education?
A: Indeed, today we all recognise that formal education does not conclude at 13, and that, in fact, very important personal development and learning happens over the subsequent years. Therefore, within the Liberal Jewish world, we have always tried to maintain involvement past 13, at least up to GCSEs. At Elstree we run an informal monthly education programme up to about 16, when there is an option of a synagogue ceremony called 'Kabbalat Torah' (Receiving the Torah), where several of the graduating students celebrate their Jewish commitment together.
Q: When will I get my child's B'Mitzvah date?
A: About 18-24 months before your child's 13th birthday the Rabbi will write to you, inviting you to contact him to set a date for the B'Mitzvah. This will be worked out based on your requirements, the secular and Jewish calendar and other commitments of the synagogue. If for any reason you need to arrange a date earlier than this, please contact the Rabbi. We will try to accommodate your needs. Any date put in the synagogue diary is provisional at this stage, since regular attendance by the student at Religion School, services and in due course, preparation classes, is obviously required. The Rabbi will also discuss the preparation class timing and give you a starting date in due course.
Q: When will B'Mitzvah classes start?
A: At Elstree the B'Mitzvah class meet twice each month with the Rabbi, instead of attending regular Cheder classes. In these sessions general Jewish issues and matters relevant to B'Mitzvah students are discussed. They also cover a number of discussion topics appropriate to the age of the child. There will also be some 1:1 tuition in the six months leading up to the date of the actual ceremony.
Q: What do the classes cover?
A: The preparation classes prepare the B'Mitzvah for participating in the service and reading from the Torah. Since they are in small groups issues directly appropriate to the child, the B'Mitzvah service and the Torah portion can be raised and explored, time permitting. Issues which may be of concern to a youngster of this age, such as sexual matters or with regard to death, may be raised and discussed in confidence with the Rabbi.
The class cover both preparation of the Torah portion, and later the Haftarah and Kaddish, as well as the basic parts of the service (eg: Shema, Kiddush, Blessings).
Q: Are these classes enough?
A: Our experience is that these classes are about right for most children. We assume that the B'Mitzvah pupil has attended Religion School regularly and reached an acceptable standard of reading Hebrew (accurate but not necessarily fluent) before starting. It is important that families help and encourage the B'Mitzvah in preparation (ten minutes every day should be sufficient as long as it is every day!).
The child should be able to read the first paragraph of the Shema (page 15 in Siddur Lev Chadash). A little additional private tuition will be required if the child is not at this level. If they seem to be struggling during the preparation, the Rabbi may suggest to the parents that a little extra help might be beneficial, and may be able to help arrange it. Occasionally parents arrange 'secret' help but this is not always helpful - for example if they are teaching a different (Ashkenazi) pronunciation - and it is better to discuss it with us first.
Q: How often must we attend synagogue?
A: It is a requirement that the B'Mitzvah and family attend regularly at least in the year before the B'Mitzvah date - typically at least 2 -3 times per month in the first six months, and weekly in the six months leading up to the B'Mitzvah service.
The B'Mitzvah pupil will be given a diary sheet to help record attendance, and we may ask to see this at any time. At this stage, pupils are often invited to friends' B'Mitzvah ceremonies at other synagogues and this is no problem. We are delighted that they get to experience other synagogues and services across the community.
Q: Do we have to attend on Shabbat (Saturday) mornings?
A: If the B'Mitzvah service is on a Shabbat morning (almost all are), then the Shabbat morning service is the one that should normally be attended, since this is the one that they will be leading and with which we want them to be most familiar. However, if on occasion this is not convenient, you may also attend Friday evening services on some weekends. Attendance at evening or morning of Festival services is also expected.
Q: Does my child continue to attend Religion School?
A: No; the B'Mitzvah classes are on Saturday mornings before the service. However, we do not see B'Mitzvah as the end of a child's religious education and participation in synagogue life. We ask for your commitment that he or she will participate in the post B'Mitzvah course which leads to Kabbalat Torah. We also strongly encourage participation in social events such as those by LJY-Netzer (the Liberal Judaism youth movement) for the appropriate age group.
Q: When will the date be confirmed?
A: The date given is the date that the B'Mitzvah service is expected, subject to satisfactory progress in preparation, attendance and so on. The synagogue reserves the right to cancel or postpone the service at any time if these pre-requisites are not being met. However the Rabbi or a member of the Council will discuss this with parents in good time should there be any cause for concern. For the service to go ahead your membership subscriptions must not be in arrears.
Q: What should be on the Invitation?
A: Obviously invitations vary, but do make sure you have the obvious things - Name of B'Mitzvah, Date, Time, Place and RSVP details. We suggest you put 'Service: 10.45 for 11am.' You might also put the Torah portion and the Hebrew date, which can be found at the top of the Preparation Schedule. You do not need to specify what is being read, but if you do, it should be 'xxxxx will be celebrating his/her* Bar/Bat* Mitzvah by leading part of the service and reading from the Torah and Haftarah'. (*Obviously only as required!)
Q: How do I arrange Kiddush, flowers, choir?
A: About four months before the B'Mitzvah service date the Honorary Secretary of the synagogue will contact you with a booking form to agree the administrative details of the service. Please make sure that this is returned in good time, since, unless booked, there will not be flowers or a choir, there may not be an organist, and there will be only a regular kiddush consisting of wine and Hallah.
Q: What will it cost?
A: We ask for a contribution of £75 towards tuition in the B'Mitzvah year. The costs for the various items above are stated on the booking form.
Q: Can we provide an Introductory Booklet for the seats?
A: If you have guests who have not been to a service before and you want to explain what goes on, then you can provide an Introductory Booklet. This can be produced with the B'Mitzvah's name, date and portion on the cover. A single folded sheet should be adequate since people will not have much time to read or concentrate whilst waiting for the service to begin. Various versions of these that have been used by other families are around, and the Rabbi would like to look through your draft prior to printing. It might also be a good idea to include the Torah portion itself, in Hebrew and English, in a booklet or on a separate sheet, since we have only a limited number of Humashim available in which to follow the reading.
Q: What do we need for the run-through?
A: The run-through will be arranged for an evening in the week leading up to the B'Mitzvah. Primarily it is the opportunity for the prospective B'Mitzvah to read the portion from the Torah for the first time, and to run through the service with a congregation (the family). Please bring a summary of the school attended, best subjects, various interests, hobbies, favourite music, films and TV if important, best holidays, funny family stories etc. The Rabbi will go through this with you all and it may be used in the sermon if appropriate. The run-through is also the opportunity to show the other participants when to come up and what to do. It is important that the person removing the scroll and elevating it is present so that they have an opportunity to practice if at all possible. Before Kaddish near the end of the service, we mention those who have died, and you should consider if there are relatives that it would be appropriate to mention by name at this point.
Q: How much of the service will my child participate in?
A: Each child is different and his or her participation will be agreed with the Rabbi during the preparation classes. At a minimum the B'Mitzvah will read some or all of the portion of the week from the Torah scroll in Hebrew, its English translation, and a short introduction that they have written themselves. Most also read the Haftarah (reading from the prophets) in English, and lead the congregation through parts of the normal Shabbat morning service in Hebrew and English.
Q: Can members of the family participate?
A: Certainly! Members of the family generally participate in the service, opening the Ark, carrying and undressing the scroll, and also reading some English parts of the service (eg the Themed Reading for the week). A rehearsal for the participants is organised during the week before the service. No Mitzvot (honours) are allocated to other congregants if there is a B'Mitzvah, so that as many of the family as possible can be involved. The least number of family participants is theoretically none, though this would be a great shame and we have always had at least one parent involved. The maximum is around 10, so there is plenty of room to tailor it to your requirements, but please discuss this well in advance with the Rabbi. If there are siblings, it is generally appropriate to involve them, whether younger or older.
Q: If my partner is not Jewish, are they excluded?
A: Not at all. If they are the other parent, then they should be acknowledged and join in the celebrations. We particularly encourage them to be on the Bimah when the b'mitzvah recites their b'mitzvah prayer, although we do not normally allow non-Jews to read in our services, as it makes little sense for them to be participating 'as a Jew' and indeed they would feel uncomfortable - e.g. leading prayers with God's name, elevating the scroll, or wearing a Tallit. Non-Jewish males would normally cover their heads in respect in the synagogue - and certainly, as do all men, if they are participating on the Bimah.
Q: If my partner is not the child's parent, can they participate?
A: Technically yes - if Jewish they can participate in any service, if not-Jewish, as we wrote above, there are some parts that are suitable for their involvement. You will need to make the decision as to involvement and how much, perhaps in discussion with the child (who is now leaving childhood, after all). Is the partner a long-standing or newer addition to the family - how does the child relate to them, will the original parent also be there? &ldots; Family dynamics today can be very complicated and will need to be very carefully considered. The Rabbi will be happy to arrange a time to talk through such issues if you require.
Q: How many guests can I invite?
A: Our synagogue seats an absolute maximum of 160 people - regular congregants, choir and visitors. Obviously it depends how many of those you invite would be regular congregants anyway, and how many of your other guests will come to the service. Inviting 120 people might be a sensible maximum. Please bear this in mind when preparing your guest list.
Q: What about young children?
A: Unless it is a monthly birthday shabbat (and we try to avoid clashing with these), there will probably not be any organised activity for young children. There is a library box of Jewish children's books available, and there is a room in the schoolhouse that can be used if the children are supervised. Opposite this room is a toilet with Baby Change facilities. If you have a special request for a creche to be arranged please talk to the Honorary Secretary.
Q: Can I take photos or video in the service?
A: We do not permit the use of cameras or hand-held videos during the service. Some families have been able to set up a video discreetly on a windowsill and record the service this way. Please let the Honorary Secretary know if you are planning to do so. If families wish to do so, photographs can be taken with the B'Mitzvah, Rabbi, Ark, Scroll, family members etc. in the synagogue after kiddush.
Q: Can we make a contribution to mark the occasion?
A: Of course! Many families decide to mark the occasion by making a charitable donation, for example by adding an inscribed leaf to our beautiful Tree of Life (minimum donation £50) or through the Mazon scheme, donating the equivalent cost of catering for one or more guests to a party to help those less fortunate. Cards are available to put on the tables if you wish to draw your guests' attention to this worthwhile scheme. There are also possibilities to have a 'twinning' with a family in Israel or Eastern Europe who are also celebrating a B'Mitzvah and this provides the opportunity to make even more memorable links across the Jewish world. Please ask the Rabbi if you might be interested in any of these schemes.
Q: You haven't mentioned the party?
A: The most important aspect of becoming B'Mitzvah is marking a milestone in Jewish life, by participating in the service in front of family, friends, community and God. Standing on the Bimah (platform), fully prepared and confident, as the focus of the community, is a unique and powerful opportunity for growth. Celebrating and being congratulated by all those who witnessed it at the kiddush afterwards is a very important aspect of this.
We understand that there may be other things which also seem important - perhaps the Reception, whether it be at home or at an hotel, and, of course, the presents. We ask parents to help us by remembering, and demonstrating to the B'Mitzvah as well, that the service is the most important aspect of the event.
If there is a reception and a meal, it is appropriate to say grace (hamotzi) with rolls or a hallah before the meal, and to conclude it with grace after meals (birkat hamazon). Grace books can be borrowed from the synagogue. If grace books are included as part of the 'party package', please note that they can be purchased from Liberal Judaism. Traditional ones should not be used - they are much longer, and contain references to sacrifices and other matters contrary to progressive Jewish belief.
Q: So what comes after the B'Mitzvah?
A: As explained above, attendance should continue at the B'Mitzvah programme (year in which they become 13). Details may vary from time to time depending on group sizes, but our Jewish Education Programme continues until the year in which they are 16, when they can choose to celebrate Kabbalat Torah.
Don't forget that synagogue services continue on Shabbat and Festivals. It is very nice to see young people back in the service after the B'Mitzvah. Realistically, this often needs the suggestion and support from an adult. We are more than delighted if a young person offers to participate in a regular service, perhaps when their portion comes round again in a year's time. Please let the office know if an invitation to participate would be well received!
Q: Who should I talk to if I have any questions or concerns?
A: If you are concerned about any aspect of the B'Mitzvah process you should telephone or arrange an appointment with the Rabbi or Chairperson of the congregation. It is not normally very effective to "button-hole" someone before or after a service!